i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Terrible idea I love it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
