help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
