you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
