he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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