It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
