Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
