We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
