she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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