JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
