Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Randomize
