Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
