You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
