I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
We had to coat check the pizza.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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