I think I won the penis lottery.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
