Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
