How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
