I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize