i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
