I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
