Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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