I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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