I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
This is my gift to your gina
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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