making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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