i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
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