haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Are we still banned from the library?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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