I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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