he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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