turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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