I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize