i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
