Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
