After last night, I could never be a politician.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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