happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize