Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
