Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
