i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize