i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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