hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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