so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
