the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
There's even glitter on my cock...
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