I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
