I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize