Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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