This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
