My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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