my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
