Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
