One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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