Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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