Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize
