the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
