Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
