I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
