I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
