why im i the only drunk person in the library?
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
