My sheets look like a crime scene.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Randomize
