and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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