i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
