but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
