is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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