I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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