I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
