Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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