we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
