I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
