I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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