either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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