I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
