The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Randomize
