So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
