You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
whose parrot is this?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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